I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
