On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
