so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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