we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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