my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
