Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
we have officially lost it.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
