Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
everyone is single if you try hard enough
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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