I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
