My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
