you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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