she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
