Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize