if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
