Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
