Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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