glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Two words: nipple clamps
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