But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
