I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
she smelled like a LAN party
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
