I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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