i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
