My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
