...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
