Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You left your phone here
Wait...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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