You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
