I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
