I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
