You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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