I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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