I've blown a few things in my day
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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