but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
