weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
