at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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