Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
