You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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