this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
