i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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