he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
