I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
