Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
