i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
