I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
