Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
