im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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