Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Pants are for mortals
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
