I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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