Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
