I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
