Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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