My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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