we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Blood and glitter go together right?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
