I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
