I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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