Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize