my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize