If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
