1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
why do cheetos always look like penises
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
