The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize