DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
