final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
