guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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